It is such a funny little life I lead. Really quite amazing. It isn't based in wealth or having a lot of possessions. In fact, over the last 5 years I am sad to say I have noticed I have no makeup left and certainly less clothing, my former shoe collection breaks my heart and just TRY to find a matching pair of earrings. I have noticed around me that I have actually narrowed down how much we have these days, like by lots! Since we cut up credit cards in 2007 we just don't over shop anymore. And because we live within a budget I have to really justify that $12 bottle of foundation.
There are so many things I could want for though. I want a new pair of boots, a new belt, a faux fur vest, bigger sunglasses, make up! But, I woke up this morning, dropped the kids off, headed out to the barn and the dew was still fresh on the grass. Far off in the shade of the trees I could see the silhouette of my equine buddies making their way to the fence for feeding time. The most beautiful sight was opening those barn doors as I do each Tuesday morning and seeing those magnificent creatures with just a hint of smoke coming from their nostrils. Looking all along the fence row I could see the leaves had all really started turning. The same 4 turkeys that always stroll through began making their way across the paddock. I hardly broke a sweat with my morning work but couldn't escape getting dirty. I always feel accomplished leaving that place. I like to imagine this is the way my grandfather, Eugene, felt after a good hard days work. He had cattle, chickens, pigs, a sugar cane mill, a donkey, cats, dogs, u name it! It was a working farm. I loved summer's there as a child. It is nice to have that place still to go home to thought that might not always be the case I realize now.
Not sure how long the old house will stand.
From there the day's work went into the radio show and then thoughts turned toward tomorrow's lessons for EASI. It is our last session and some of these kids will not make it back next session. On one hand I am excited to have a Wed. free next week but then I'm gonna hate not seeing some of those faces. There will be new ones though.
I sometimes think what I do is boring and mundane and just really simply an excuse to not punch a 40 hr time card. I do enjoy it then again if you talked to me tomorrow I would be upset because running a business is super frustrating and super duper hard and let's face it...people take advantage. I enjoy what I do, I just hate running the business side. That is the part that makes me wanna take the signs off the truck and say I quit every month!!
It is more obvious than ever that it is really all about balance. Too much of anything is a bad thing. I am finishing up my "Happiness Project" and I can honestly say it has been a fun project to catch up each month. I realize that there are certain shortcomings I must accept and not try to further force myself to like what I SHOULD like.
Looking at my calendar to log a new appt it hits me... I have booked a 3 hr field trip, a 1 hour radio show, 4 classes, two different presentations and preparing for a 4 day camping trip away from my children the 12th and 13th. I will have to pack the weekend of the women's conference along with preparing all of the week's blog entries and information for the kids to go back and forth to school.
In "The Happiness Project" Gretchen Rubin quotes Michel de Montaigne, "The least strained and most natural ways of the soul are the most beautiful; the best occupations are the least forced."
I must accept my own nature but also stay motivated. I must learn the difference as Rubin states from "lack of interest" and "fear of failure".
I'm getting there. I realize it isn't traditional this life of mine. I am not the norm for sure when my husband tells me "(fill in blank name here) still doesn't know what you do"
So as I am reflecting on my day and how much I enjoyed it I think is this happiness? Is this balance? Even though I know my father is going through what he is going through, my sister is probably incredibly tired by today of care taking and my mother is so ready to be home it is unfair...and I am eat up with worry over those situations. I know I cannot control those events and its okay to feel some happiness from where I am in life even though those things are happening right now. I don't think my parents would want me to be miserable, right?
My mom constantly tells me to remember to stop and smell a rose once and a while. I told Bayne a few weeks ago I was chopping the ropes to dead weight by mass amounts...and I've been working on lightening my load. But then I commit to like 6 different things that all start or end in a 2 day period, requiring all different text, even different clothes and LOTS of preparation.
Today I wrote my presentation an hour before I went on air. I will sit down in the morning and write my lesson plans for the day on site. I find I really do my best work under pressure and should stop feeling guilty for it...I thrive in chaos!! Don't know why! But I obviously ENJOY it or I wouldn't keep doing it to myself. So I should celebrate it, put my abilities on blast! "Works well under pressure" "Diffuser of Chaos". As my dad says, "some folks aren't happy unless they are burning the candle at both ends"
When learning to ride you must also eventually learn how to fall. Learning to relax your body and rooolllll into it decreasing your damage potential.
You are then suppose to roll up onto your heels and simply pop up. I think I have learned how to enjoy life so much because of that very idea...I've learned how to rooollll into it...thus decreasing my damage risk and pop back up.
When Rubin makes reference to an acquaintance citing John Stuart Mill's view "Ask yourself if you are happy, and you cease to be so." She questions if he had meant a reference by the researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi to the state of flow. "In flow, it's true, people are completely absorbed, so focused on their tasks that they forget themselves at the perfect balance of challenge and skill." Whereas she felt maybe her friend was insinuating that to ponder ones happiness meant you were self absorbed or perhaps happiness comes as a consequence of pursuing other goals, such as love and work, and therefor shouldn't be a goal in itself. After pondering these ideas a bit further Rubin responds with "You're happy if you think you're happy.
I am learning to live on less for sure, but I have never felt richer than I do today. No doubt, I've come a long way from my "collection's manager" (i use that term loosely) days. Those were the days I HATED getting up and going to work. Newly married, no idea what I was doing, working for horrible ambulance chasers, greasy, unlikable sort of men, then later moving on to corporate hell. I am grateful for each day, you got that right! I simply must be happy because I think I'm happy!
I've contemplated September's goal to "Pursue a Passion" now I am looking forward to starting October's chapter on "Pay Attention, Mindfulness."
For more information on how you can start your own Happiness Project or to read more by Gretchen Rubin visit www.happiness-project.com .
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