being emotionally healthy and Merry Christmas!

Reading a few Katherine Center quotes this week I felt overwhelmed with heartache. Sometimes her words are so deep that they take me by surprise. You realize feelings that were there but not verbalized yet. She beats you to
profound self realizations.

Its a good thing because you get there quicker. I have discovered many writers, bloggers and other folks of inspiration this year that have really helped me make sense of my "self". Not that I'm so challenged in knowing who I am, but just making sense of me and why I'm here. I feel sometimes like I have lived with a broken heart for a long time. Over what ...I couldn't say in particular. Just events throughout my life and childhood that steered me one way or another. Regret over mistakes, opportunities I've blown because I'm stubborn. Basically, whenever I have not listened to Him and His plan for me.
And heartache as a topic has always intrigued me. When I am listening to Ryan Adams (my 2nd husband) Bayne claims something must be wrong with me, why am I listening to such sad music if I'm fine. Soulful lyrics are so beautiful to me, much like a great painting or a beautiful landscape. There is beauty in the molding of a human spirit. And I can just relate to melancholy sometimes better. I 've even researched it a little. I think it is because I know I better get prepared for it and I intensely want to prevent myself from falling apart when it comes. After all, I am an easy crier!!
Come to find out if you bing "Living with Heartache" you quickly discover you have simply nothing on other people. Somewhere there is always someone else in the throws of losing a child, a spouse, a parent, even a pet. I am preparing for that very thing in my life and I want to be strong. My father has been some form of ill since I was 10. As I ponder having a baby after 35, just like my mother did, will I be creating a child surely to lose a parent in their prime as I will. How can you expect someone to grieve your loss while they are still trying to figure out who they are. So often I think, will my Dad be here when Baylor graduates in another 10 years?
Next December will be the 20th anniversary of my sweet Grandmother Lula's passing. I lost both of my grandparents the same year before I graduated. How are my boys going to feel about losing possibly both of them before they graduate?

(my Dad this summer with great-niece Isabella)

I would feel that I was exaggerating but I get messages from home that all is not well. It has been the case for several years. But he has had a horrible tumble since I saw him last and  hear it wasn't pretty. Now words like fragile, feeble, weak are part of the vocabulary, so it isn't what I want it to be, but it's quite possibly "time". My mother also hasn't recovered from a fall 3 yrs ago leaving her unable to walk.
As I prepare to make a trip home tomorrow it is overwhelming to think that maybe I don't want to go at all. Do I want to go home and see what kind of shape they are in? Certainly not. I feel I have worked so hard at becoming emotionally healthy since my young adulthood that surely I can buck up and go home. But its sensitive to me and frankly speaking I'm a little afraid. Its my parents. I have a 5 year old! How do you say "Soak Poppy up boys, he could be gone in a flash!"

On the immediate home front I have this Maltese, Luckie, who is aging rapidly and has recently dropped a lot of weight. I have called finally after my husband has urged me to make some sort of decision soon. Its $45 to have him put to sleep. A final no return home from the vet's office. As I look at him now he is quite sad, but the UPS guy still sends him into a frenzy and he displays the gusto of a 3 year old puppy. He is definitely a grouch, a lot like my sweet Daddy. I compare Luckie to Poppy quite often actually. I will make the decision soon...its Christmas after all. I look at lil Luckie now and think I can't imagine placing a $45 price tag on his life. But I hate to see him suffer just like I will hate to see my Daddy suffer. No easy answer...heartache's set a bead on me.

For this Christmas, I am going to show them both and all my family all the love I can...I'm fast trying to get myself to a point of being emotionally able to process their loss. I haven't been able to fathom it to this point. I am thankful I have had this year of self reflection to learn to appreciate my now and the most important lesson that "perfectionism" is not necessarily a good trait to have. Things are going to fall apart. Prepare for it.
As I peak at my Christmas gift to myself that has just arrived, Ordinary Courage by Dr. Brene Brown, I am filled with optimism again. First sentence in preface...
            "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."
As I close this year I commit to  making  2011 my bravest year yet, whatever may come!!
Thank you for following Lula's Grace, I love to read your comments, keep them coming!!! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

New Beginnings!

When I was in junior high school there was nothing I wanted more than to be accepted into Carver Creative Performing Arts Center or CCPAC. I applied, was accepted and began my 10th grade year feeling like an artist at the FAME school!
It was probably the greatest opportunity of my life. I entered competition, had excellent accomplished instructors, met other young folks like myself and was encouraged to apply to art colleges in the southeast. I did, I applied at Savannah College of Art and Design, Memphis College of Art and ofcourse the local college. My folks decided I was not to attend an out of state school so I went to the local college and majored in graphic arts.

I hated it. Quite literally...it sucked me dry of inspiration. I longed to be in an environment that thrived on art and culture. So I quit. Decided that was obviously not my path. I eventually got a degree in liberal arts after 8 years. I like to say I am a mile wide and an inch deep. I know a little something about lots of different stuff...like the fall of technology in the Soviet Union and can discuss in depth 5 Shakespearean plays as I took a Shakespeare in Production class, loved it!

It has taken me nearly 20 years to decide I want to be involved with art again. I picked up a brush when my oldest was born and painted something for his room but it still has taken 8 years to bring that to the surface. I'm ready now. I also feel I have so much inside me that visually needs to come out.

I think the most crucial decision in my life was when I took the attitude I was not good enough to go to one of those awesome schools so why try? I have spent so much of this year reflecting and trying to decide what type of "adult" I want to be in a few years when I turn 40.

So we are gonna try and get back to it...I'll keep you posted what is to come. Gonna attempt to paint up some Christmas gifts for my sisters and mother. Who knows what will happen when I break out a piece of canvas again!

Interesting to see when you trace the steps in which you came you can usually find your own answers.

Ponderings of 2010, next week last blog of year!

This is the last working week for me of 2010. Kids get outta school on Friday and I am done til Jan. 5th 2011. It is so nice to take a long break, visit family, but mostly take time for reflecting and make plans for 2011. This was again, a Christmas that snuck up on me. Not even sure I will be able to commit myself to getting out Christmas cards. I felt incredibly inadequate at the raising of the gingerbread houses last Friday and have let the week's adventures leave my brain like mush. I simply am not sure if I can process any-thing else. We have committed to less this year, tried to make family first, stay within our lil budget plan and make good decisions during the holidays, but the weariness of another year coming to an end can wreak a little havoc on emotions.

"The Happiness Project" has been difficult to do this month, it is committing to ALL the work you've been doing all this year every day of the month. I am looking onward next year to a new reading list. Confident in what I have learned these last 12 months from Mrs. Rubin.

First is one of my favorite new bloggers and artists Kelly Rae Roberts Taking Flight: Inspiration And Techniques To Give Your Creative Spirit Wings and to be followed by Dr. Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are .

While I am working on the last blog post of the year, I seem to keep hitting on a few themes: living with integrity; living with more creativity; seek new inspiration; appreciate what I have; spend more quality time with my family; and to be more spirit led.

Next weekend I head home to S. Alabama for the first time since school started. Very Sad! I have never been that long without seeing my family. Homesick? My favorite line in Kings of Leon's song Radioactive...
"It's in the water...
It's in the story
It's where you came from
The sons and daughters
In all their glory
It's gonna shape them
And when they clash
And come together
And start rising
Just drink the water
Where you came from...
Where you came from"


Feels good to go home, feels better to love being in your own home, Next year's theme I can go ahead and say will have lots to do with "home"! Hope you will continue to follow us through the next transition of our lives. I mean, people, there could be chickens, raised gardens, and even a new baby.

Lulagrace Organized Interiors, may be experiencing some changes. Things to be modified in life to allow new things to continue to come in it. I may do mostly consulting, haven't made a full commitment. Those who need me usually find me with little assistance. As I have done this now for a minute, I think it is fair to dedicate more time to my family, my nest, applying all that Ive learned from the amazing clients I have had over the last 6 years. Not necessarily saying I am no longer organizing/decorating, just only for a few that I feel called to work for. There are some that can't be helped, they don't really want it. It is rude to say" You know you could be prospering by now, but you keep hanging on to all this stuff" so politeness leads you to decline.

My biggest lesson this year, crazy is not a goal of mine, "looking perfect does not perfection make". Perfection is also not an attribute of good character...merely a symptom of fear. I feel empowered to have this inside knowledge that I still see so many run around frazzled thinking that it is going to pan out well for them...I was scared my problem with perfectionism was going to lead me to a heart attack. So I am really trying to chill it on down now. My new mantra to the women I meet..."SLOW DOWN!"

So until next week's post....I'm off to ponder!