We are just coming off a 4 day camping trip to a bluegrass festival communing with thousands of strangers. Our first vacation without children in 5 years, we were cut off from communicating via laptop or cell phone due to lack of service. So off we went to have fun and create new bonds with new friends. It is rare to find a couple you get along with much less two other people that you could stand for 4 days of primitive camping with 5000 other folks, 7 1/2 hours away. It was a first for us but worthwhile for sure.
While sitting at the tent after sending our younger whipper-snapper friends out for the evening (because I can't stay out past midnite anymore or I turn into a pumpkin) we could sit back and talk. My husband took this opportunity to express some concerns. We want to have a new baby but I am unable to say no to anything that crosses my path. He fears the stress it will put on me if I stay at the pace I've been traveling at for the past few years. I think we both know it is because I fear I will miss an opportunity. To do what I never know, but I've always been this way and that's that. Everyone that knows me well gets frustrated by this disability I have of not being able to say no. I keep saying I’m gonna stop doing it, but it doesn’t happen. I have been saying that for years and have not had a period of time where I said ok phone hasn’t rung in a month. Lets shut it down, I‘m gonna go be that housewife now! I want to be, but somehow JUST being that housewife makes me fear being ordinary. I know I am not alone in this sentiment as I do not want to offend those homemakers that do it with finesse. I truly inside WANT to be just a housewife! But then this inability to stop and smell the roses keeps me from it. I know my attention span is short but some weeks it is truly sad. I just haven’t been successful in finding that perfect balance since I've been working from home for over 5 years.
I always try and keep the mentality that if I do a little bit of everything all at once I can maintain more over time. But I fail to realize so much of my day is already promised to other things. Just because there is a space on the day planner it doesn’t mean I’m free. It means that I very likely have laundry, dishes, cleaning the toilets, putting up the clean laundry, washing the dog, mailing bills, doing Lula paperwork, doing EASI paperwork, blog, radio stuff, class stuff….blah blah blah blah blah blah…2 days post vacation I am just as freaked out as ever over what has to happen in 48 hours. WHAT is seriously wrong with me!???? And I think I want to have a baby in the next 12-18 months??? Im NUTS obviously. It is like I have to have someone tell me just STOP! I asked my husband, after listing all the things I had gotten myself into in 24 hours, if that was “an extreme amount of stuff to keep up with in one day.”
His answer never fails…”Ya Think?”
Am I ever gonna be able to practice what I preach about slowing down?
Am I ever gonna be able to prioritize and balance my own life?
What do I even want?
Dr. Brene Brown states in one her speeches that we suffer from this busy extreme disorder to avoid being vulnerable. I totally agree. I think that when we create a perfect bubble of what all we can do and how much we can handle we are really trying to surround ourselves with this force field that nothing bad will happen to us. It never works out though. We all know those bubbles eventually burst and we have to deal with the pain and suffering. But as she suggests, if we have these reservoirs of “Joy” built up in our system we can bounce back that much easier from strife.
Joel Osteen is at this very moment telling me to talk to my mountains. Hmmm…I’ve prayed for God to help me figure it out but I’ve never actually talked TO those things that cause me anxiety. I think I fail to say no because I don’t want people to be disappointed in me. And when I have said no, usually it comes with some criticism or guilt from the person I say no to.
As I sit reflecting on my day of therapy lessons, grooming, packing lunches, dealing with a constipated child at the doctor who is going to need a flushing this weekend to clear him out, writing content for tomorrow’s class and Thursday’s blog I hit on one thing….
After working with this one horse at the therapy farm I have wanted to throw in the towel a few times after weeks of ground work because sometimes I step wrong and send him mixed signals from what his previous training was. I feel like there is this huge communication barrier sometimes with him and then I remember what I’ve been taught…it takes patience. I begin thinking …ya know, today was the first day that he didn’t flinch at me when I entered his stall. He didn’t mind me grooming him, he didn’t mind me being in his personal space. He seemed to lean toward me more and be more attentive to where I was going. A second one while laying down rested his head on my lap and breathed in my skin like we were good friends. I am starting to see that I am being accepted in the herd. I am trusted. It feels nice to see patience paying off.
As it is with everything else, there is no such thing as instant results. Like the patience I have to have with that horse I should have the same amount with myself. I know my inner nature and my previous training and it will take some time for me to stop flinching. I am going to keep shucking the dead weight even if it is just one thing at a time. I am focusing so much on taking it one day at a time that I forget it will all happen...eventually. It won't stay like this forever. I can do this! I see clearer and clearer everyday what is important to me and where my passion and talents lie. Being able to focus on these things, being grateful for what I have and practicing patience I pray leads me to learning to say no to the things that do not bring me complete joy. Leaving me with only what I love and desire remaining in my basket.
De-cluttering your spirit is much like de-cluttering your home…it takes patience, it takes determination and it takes lots and lots of maintenance!
